It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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