Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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