you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Acid is not a monday night drug
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
