My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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