Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
