I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
