A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
