she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
being pregnant is like rehab
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
