Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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