doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
