; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
