he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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