remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
