all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
