I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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