You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
