hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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