Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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