well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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