Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i think i have two assholes
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
