I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
