Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
