cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
