If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
