smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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