Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize