Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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