Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
