Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
