i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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