i can't believe i had my finger in that
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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