U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
