The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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