That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
