Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
