I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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