we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
