Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
