I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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