Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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