i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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