We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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