it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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