i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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