Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
