I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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