i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize