My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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