Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we're making bets on your personal life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
