really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
