did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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