I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
