Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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