Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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