Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
