just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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