While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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