You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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