Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
