capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
