Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
