I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
organizing the empties. That sober.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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