One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
