Joe is yelling at the trees again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
