If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
