apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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