He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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