you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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