New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
