i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
