how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
