my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
