i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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