so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
