i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize